GOLF quotes

Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser. ~Arnold Palmer

Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears. ~Bobby Jones

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right. ~Ben Crenshaw

Golf is like a love affair. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. ~Arthur Daley

Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it. ~Ted Ray, Golf - My Slice of Life, 1972

The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes. ~Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf, 1975

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. ~Paul Gallico

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her. ~Val Doonican

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. ~Phyllis Diller

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour. ~Author Unknown

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. ~P.J. O'Rourke

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. ~Author Unknown

Golf is a good walk spoiled. ~Mark Twain

They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it. ~Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown

If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course? ~Larry Nelson

Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom. ~Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf, 1967

If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head. ~Harry Vardon

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass. ~Bob Hope

If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. ~Lee Trevino

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that. ~Jim Murray

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. ~Gerald Ford

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there. ~Bob Hope, about his golfing

Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses. ~Adlai Stevenson

Bob Hope quotes

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax. He just calls the government and says, 'How much do you boys need?'

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy says the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days ... whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

I returned to Cleveland for a really big homecoming. I remember it well. How they welcomed me...flags waving, bands playing, big parades and everything. Yes sir! Lucky for me I arrived on Flag Day.

It was so cold at Thule, that one G.I. fell out of bed and broke his pajamas.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

(On receiving his knighthood) Seventy years of ad lib material and I am speechless.

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

There are 86 golf courses in Palm Springs, and Jerry Ford never knows which one he's going to play until his second shot.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'