Bob Hope quotes

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax. He just calls the government and says, 'How much do you boys need?'

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy says the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days ... whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

I returned to Cleveland for a really big homecoming. I remember it well. How they welcomed me...flags waving, bands playing, big parades and everything. Yes sir! Lucky for me I arrived on Flag Day.

It was so cold at Thule, that one G.I. fell out of bed and broke his pajamas.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

(On receiving his knighthood) Seventy years of ad lib material and I am speechless.

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

There are 86 golf courses in Palm Springs, and Jerry Ford never knows which one he's going to play until his second shot.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'