Blue Collar Comedy Tour

Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think about bouncing. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch Road House and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]
Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]
Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public. Jeff Foxworthy: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron. Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!

Bill Engvall: I know my daughter's sixteen, and she's sitting in her room, on the computer, listening to music, and little boys are calling, oh my God. We had a kid call the house at *two* in the *morning.* Oh yeah, I lost it. First of all, I'm in La-La Land with Shania Twain up in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring, and I'm like, 'Who's got a phone up in the mountains!' Finally I realized it was my phone, so I'm already ticked, and I go, 'Hello!' And this little boy goes, "Uh, is Emily there?" 'Dude! If you've got a brain in your skull, you will hang up this phone right now!' My wife goes, 'Bill! You gotta be nice!' No ma'am! Nice stops at midnight! She goes, 'what are you gonna do when these boys come over to our house?' Oh, I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll pull the young lad in close, so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'll say, 'Look at me boy! Look at me! You see that little girl, over there? She's my only little girl, man. She's *my life.* So, if you have any thoughts, about hugging, or kissing, you remember these words: I've got no problem going back to prison!'