Quotes from the FUNNIEST show The Dick Van Dyke Show

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: I need a place to hide.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Quick, grow some hair.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Oh? Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anywhere!

Rob Petrie: Four no tickets. I mean 44 no trump. I mean 44 no tickets. I mean 4 no trump! Haha, let's play tickets! Ouch! I mean let's play cards.

Rob Petrie: [tag scene from The Last Chapter] Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie: I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: He hates it, boy!
[laughter]
Rob Petrie: He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie: He's kidding!
Sally Rogers: No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie: Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie: Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady: What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie: [in amazement] Your book's going to be a television series?
Alan Brady: It's true, of course I won't do it until after my series is defunct, which may never be. Rob Petrie: Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers: And the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[loud commotion]
Rob Petrie: Wait, ho-hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie: Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady: And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [clutching his temples] Look, I've got a great deal of work to do!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: So go ahead, tear your hair out!

Rob Petrie: Morning, honey.
[puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]
Laura Petrie: [in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn't for me! You didn't have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don't have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn't coming today and you have five people coming over for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?
Rob Petrie: [recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I'll go out and come in again.
[starts for the door to the living room]
Rob Petrie: I won't say good morning - I'll just wave as I go by.